Today was a whirlwind of events! From the moment I woke up, I knew it was going to be a day where I would have to go from place to place, without much time to even think about what would come next- and that’s exactly what happened. I’m not sure if I willingly accepted this fate when I woke up later than usual this morning, but I know that there were times today when I felt I might have some control on how my day would go and turned them away. During these moments I didn’t feel the urge to plan or think through how to regain control, but just moved on with my day and the events happening in it. It’s almost like I resisted any ability that involved reaction and reflection because it would take “too much time” or “too much effort”. At this point after the day it’s been, I’m not even sure how I feel about this lack of wanting to control the day and its outcomes, and even from that realization I’m not sure how to move forward…
This is where I am at this moment in time. It’s an uncomfortable state. As you may remember from last week, my mind and body both felt very loud and expressive, antsy and driven. Today (and now that I’m thinking about it) and throughout the past weekend I could see myself almost in a state of quiet apathy. My entire day was taken up by events (my Mondays are normally not like today), and I only had this time now to sit with my thoughts and write my post; and the state that I’m in is not the most conducive to writing epiphanic thoughts. I know myself well enough that I’m not deliberately trying not to care, and that there is no motif or drive behind my current state. It’s almost like there is this cloud of calm over me, but it’s not a reassuring calm. Instead it brings me to a place of tired thoughts, tired body, and then the lack of initiative to think further because it’s just tiring. Maybe my mind and body are now showing the effects afterward of a week of feeling so antsy and driven with loud energy? It’s like I exhausted my thoughts and energy reserves after last week’s feelings and state.
As I sit now and start to re-read my post and notice my current state, I can remind myself that though I may not know how to process my feelings and move forward, these feelings and “state” are only temporary. It’s my “current state”. That is enough for me to know that when tomorrow comes, I can wake up at my usual time and actually eat my healthy breakfast at home. I can take moments through the day to notice the warmer weather, the sun that shines later into the evening, and even get home at a decent hour tomorrow to have dinner with my significant other and work on the things I need to accomplish. While there is a little voice that is lightly calling at me from the back of my brain saying “make your to-do list tonight so you know what to do for tomorrow!”, I know that if I choose to wait until tomorrow I’ll be more rested with a clearer mind, and it won’t set me back for my day’s accomplishments.
Yesterday I rejoiced because of changing the clocks forward! I now have one more hour of daylight to see into the evening. Spring and summer are coming. Warmer weather was here (40 degrees!). Today I was still excited but I acknowledged that it was changing the clocks forward that impeded my ability to fall asleep, wake up at my usual time (I’m used to waking up to light, not darkness), and aided in my mindset of tiredness throughout the day. Tomorrow is a new day that will have even more sun than today or the day before. Each day will get sunnier. And that gives me hope that tomorrow I will be more like myself. Though my “current state” is not what I’m used to feeling or how I typically respond, it’s only current and does not have to carry into my tomorrow. I hope that through the blur of this post you can find the glimmer for your tomorrow to shine!